Is there really true friends??

Sometime I think to myself, what are true friends?? I mean if you didnt have drama in your life or money!! would your friends still be there.. i have a hard time thinking they would!! Im 27 and still yet to find that friend to share my life with.. the one who uderstands you that cares for you.. life is about mistakes, we all make them and we all have to deal with them!! sometimes i feel so alone.. I look and see all these girls with there best friends.. and i would give anything to have that!! or maybe im just better off alone.. in the past two years i have lost so much so many important people just wish i could gain alittle.. instead of losing! life will go on. and one day i will find friends worth fighting for.. as for right now i dont have the time or energy to do so..

Is there really true friends??

Is there really true friends??

Who I am today....

   As I sit here at 27 years old I ask myself, when are things going to get better for me. Every since I was little I dreamed of big things, I was always so nice and sweet I put other people in front of myself.. so far that hasn't gotten me anywhere... Lets start all the way from the beginning, my parents where never together, My dad was a drug addict who liked to beat the shit out of my mom, so growing up wasn't easy I watched my mom go from one asshole to another we moved so many times that I cant remember how many different schools i went to.. my mother struggled to raise me and my brothers.. so we has to move in with my grandmother, who was a alcoholic and roamed the streets.. one time  at three or four she took me hitch hiking with her we got picked up by some guy and she brought him home with us.. and at three i was going to make them a sandwich, she threww the jelly jar at me and it shattered all over the floor and I cut my foot.. so we moved out to my moms friends house where I meant some of the best people in the world who i now call my aunt tt and my cousins.. my child hood felt normal.. besides my going to visit my dad through a jail cell every  so often.. I went to live with my granny and papa my dads parents.. because my mother couldn't afford to take care of me.. which wasn't her fault she did what was best for me.. I loved my grandparent's the would spoil me rotten.. my papa was the best grandfather in the world, he was my father figure,God i miss him!!! That was on and off for awhile.. living with mom  then back to living with my grandparent's.. I just wanted to stay in one place long enough to have a friend.. I never really got a childhood I was to busy helping my raise my brothers..even in my preteen years i would carry my little brother with me everywhere..And not to mention the neighbor hoods we lived in were not the best ones.. at 11 years old I was smoking cigs and had gotten my first tattoo by some gang banger who lived a couple of houses down.. and by 14 I was pregnant .. but through all the things I've been through because trust me I left out alot, I was still this person that would do anything for anyone.. just looking for some one to love me.. I want better for my children.. I want them to know how much they are loved, and how much they can do for themselves if they just try and never give up.. also to never let someone bring the evil out in you.. because if they can do that then they don't need to be in your life.. I let alot of people in my life that I shouldn't I shared alot of things with people that i shouldn't have.. Because in the end they can use that to hurt me.. but all that matters that today at my age I can finally say that I'm a strong hard ass women to go through everything I have been through at such a young age.. I'm still here fighting for everything I have.. So for the people who didn't stick around through my storms and wait for my sunshine, who cares they missed out on something special..

LOVE?? I NEVER MEANT IT AT ALL!!!

        
  Everyone knows the tragic love story of romeo and Juliet, how they loved each other with so much passion that they couldn't live without each other, the thought of  not being without each other forever was to much to handle.. Now that was true love, there was no hate or bad words spoken to one another they loved each other and that was just the bottom line.. I often wonder where is that love now a days, we as people throw around the word love like its a game we play... when in reality its the most strongest word you could ever say to someone.. (not saying everyone but most).. I watched for years as one of my closest friends bounce from one man to another all because they SAID they loved her.. and that's all she ever wanted was some to love her.. And unfortunately in ended in her taking her own life, and unlike Juliet she didn't have her romeo to follow her.. and love her.. maybe if she had shed still be here..

I look at this lady in the picture above, and it reminds me of her, a beautiful women, in a dark scary place, walking trying to find the light. I don't know maybe I'm still trying to find the light for he.. my heart is filled with hate because her romeo just picked up and left after she passed like they were never one.. how can someone that loves you with all there heart treat like shit push u to your limits.. and when you have been pushed to the limits of taking your own life.. how can he just pick up and move on without even thinking.. June 21st  i will be 2 yrs without my best friend my stepson will be with out his mother, all because of the word I love you..

So if your going to say it mean it with every being in your body..  Because those simple three words could change a persons life for the good or the bad.. I guess i still hold alot resentment after she passed, i feel  like ill never find closer, ill never feel better.. But life is to short to hate the people I feel are responsible for leaving us behind.. I can only dream of the day when i see her beautiful smile.. then maybe she can tell me why she let love control her scion to do what she did!!! so just always remember to love to the fullest because you never know if its going to be last time you ever see that person again..

A SPECIAL FRIEND!!!

A couple of years ago I lost someone very close to my heart, someone could light up a room from miles away, she was my best friend, my sister, my rock, and everything else!!! when she left this earth to become one of the angels that would watch over me,I was so lost i couldn't find my balance or my reality.I didn't understand why??? I would cry and ask god will ever find someone like her again could she ever be replaced!!! I now know that I could never replace her, but I can find someone to make me happy and laugh, and share things with.. Well after 2yrs she sent that person to me and it was truly fate.. about a month ago i meant a girl who just had a glow about her, we started hanging and the more we hung out the more the pieces began to fit!!! I don't know if anyone knows about life path numbers? but anyways we were connected we are both 30"s and three's which means we have about the same life path.. also she lost her husband, just like i lost my best friend, know here is how i know her husband and my best friend brought us together.. here we go her husbands birthday is November 18th my best friends is November 18th.. her husband pasted away June 21st my best friend also passed away June 21st.. although it wasn't in the same years.. i believe we were meant to meet each other to heal each other its fate!!! Leslie sent her to me to help me, so that she could fill the void in my heart. so i didn't have to cry anymore, so i could move forward and have that special friend again.. this time i will make sure to tell this person everyday how grateful i am to have her in my life so she knows just what it means to me to have an angel by my side... So now i know I'm not crazy Leslie is watching over me and listening to me.. she answered my prayers and sent me a angel!!!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Dear ?
    you have kicked me when I was at my lowest, you have talked trash about me when I thought you were suppose to be family, you have criticize me as a mother and how I raise my children.. Well enough is enough I will not let you take any pride that I have away, I will not let you waste anymore of my breath or my time and space.. You will be nothing but a piece of dirt on the bottom of my shoe that I stomp on everyday!!!  Are you kidding me , you think that just because u had some kind of life changing experience that its going to make ten years of  making my life a living hell will just go away.. well you thought wrong, I let you in my house when you had no where to go, each and every time as you made me believe your lies.. this time when your gone you will be gone for good no more being nice I don't care who you are.. I will not let you bring me down anymore, for now I will pretend I care in till the bomb in my head explodes


   Just needed to get somethings off my chest!!! I hate always being the nice person sometimes I feel  like if you are a bitch , then people will take you seriously!!! there is only so much a person can hold in before they burst with anger.. I guess that why I have a blog page...  xoxo