BROKEN HEARTED A FATHER'S LOVE THAT NEVER DIES!!

          When you think of the  word broken hearted,It could mean many different things, To me I knew that word every since I was little.. My father was never really in my life, He had a habit that he couldn't control, A habit that none of us could help, He spent my whole life in and out of jail, When I was very younger it was fun because I use to be able to go one special trips with my granny and papa to visit him, And when he was home he was the best dad in the world. then as I got older it kept hurting more and more it felt like someone was ripping my heart out every time I had to say goodbye. Then when I was really older  I just felt hate I wished him dead.. because if he wasn't here I wouldn't have hurt anymore!! I mean I always had my papa to take his place, I always had a dad to wish happy fathers day to to make cards for to hug and love.. And now that my dad is back where he always is, And my papa is know longer here with me on this earth.. I feel more alone then I have ever felt.. This was the first fathers day I woke and had no one to call and say thanks for being the best father in the world.. "HAPPY FATHERS DAY"

       The point here is I watched and helped raise my two brothers because there fathers wanted nothing to with them.. what goes on in these fathers head when they make that decision to leave there children and never look back.. at least mine tries to love me.. these children are left wondering what did I do wrong for someone that is suppose to love me unconditionally.. just to not want me!!! I'm left broken hearted each day I look in my brother eyes and see there fathers face in them and how much that they missed out on.. How wonderful and handsome they grew up to be.. Its just crazy to me, I see how important my children's father is to them..

Still to this day I'm broken hearted about my father.. never feeling that i could love him enough to change him, To make him realize that I'm important enough to love.. Now am I expected to put my children through the same heart break.. they already love there grandfather to death, they ask where he is .. and I'm honest with them.. Am I wrong for that.. Should I X him out of my life.. I don't think I could ever do that.. He is my father and nothing I do can change that, And I love him and will never give up hope that he will get better.. Hopefully sooner then later..

MY DADDY AND ME  2010

   

  So I guess a fathers bond is much stronger then we could imagine. Even if your that kid that never met him or the one that is waiting for him to choose you over drugs, Or the one that talks to him because he is in heaven.. Or it just could be you waiting on him to understand the choices  you have made for yourself because he is a hard ass.. They are always someone we love and think about everyday know matter what he did or where he is at!!! So just something  That ways on my mind alot .. and hope everyone enjoys the read..  

BEING A YOUNG MOTHER!!!!!

 

When I was little I dreamed of being something or someone important.... I wanted a big family to be married and have the best life for myself. Well lets just say I got everything I wanted, Just alittle early then I expected. When I  was 14 years old I thought I knew everything and I was all grown up, I helped my mother raise my two brothers I cooked cleaned, well some cleaning!!! LOL.. And I loved the boys.. I met this guy who would change my life forever, He was cute, had a car a job and I fell deeply in love with him.. A couple of months later I was pergo at 14 what the hell was I thinking, On march 23,1999 I became the mother of a beautiful little girl at only 15 years old.. And boy was I scared, And of course things didn't work out with her father and I.. But we are still friends and know that taking care of our daughter is the most important thing..

  Being a young mom was hard, I lost alot of my friends and my time to just be a teenager, I dropped out of school so I could be there for her every second, and one that has a baby knows about the late night feedings I was exhausted and finally gave up on school.. My mother would get up with her sometimes so I could sleep alittle it just wasn't enough, I never thought It would this hard!!!

  A few years later I met a guy who I fell in love with from the minute I saw him. We are now married with four kids and I have a stepson, making the grand total of six children all two years a part.. except for the two oldest they are 6 months apart. And I'm only 26 years old!!! It gets so hard sometimes I want to just run away, I would give anything for just a hour to myself to breath.. All i want is to be a good mother, but sometimes I feel like I'm gonna break at any moment, between taking care of the two little ones during the day, there is a tone more that follows, cleaning cooking, homework  bath time etc!!!  Do you how many times I clean the kitchen? five times a day, that's breakfast, lunch, snack time, dinner, and before I go to bed..

      

But at the end of the day when I look around I see all that I have, and that I wouldn't change it for the world. And I wanted to be something or be someone important... I'm not a doctor or a lawyer!!!! I'm a mother of six wonderful beautiful children that love me and need me. To me that is being someone important and the most important job Ill ever have...So ask me if I could go back and change it would I????? NOPE... I love being me the person I was meant to be..  All the friends I lost along the way are missing out on a great person!!! having kids didn't change me, I'm still just me and loving every second of it..

THE GREATEST MAN I EVER KNEW.. MY POP GENE WILLIAMS..

Today's blog is about a very important man in my life, My grandfather was a strong man who always had a heart of gold, He is someone who could make you smile from ear to ear.. I miss him dearly.... Here is something I wrote for him and read at his funeral...

  You were there when I took my first breath, I was there watching you take last.. As I lay my head down on your chest and listen to heart flutter, I close my eyes and Begin to pray.. Then I began to think about all the beautiful memories that I have in my heart to keep forever. Then I realize this isn't goodbye, Its only the beginning.. He will always be there guiding me in spirit and all the the love he showed me will be there following me in my thoughts and heart..

     As a look around this room, I see a room filled with love, A love that come4s from a wonderful man... My pop!! A man that touched the life's of so many who knew him, he kept his family together no matter what.. he loved his grand kids and was so proud of all us.. I'm so lucky to have so many memories to keep in my heart forever and stories to tell for a life time about the greatest man I ever knew. The memory that I will never forget is when he gave me away. W e stood at the front door he grabbed my hand and said well little girl you ready, I guess your not going to a williams anymore and kissed me on the cheek.

  He was more then my pop he was a father figure in my life, I don't think I could ever do wrong in his eyes, I was his little girl and that's all that mattered.. he was always so strong for us, now its time to be strong for each other. Because he is never gone,He is always and forever in our hearts and our thoughts.. And tho right now are family chain is broken one day when god calls our name,one by one,our family chain will link again..


                                                     RIP: TO OUR PAPA WE LOVE YOU

                                                          OCTOBER 8TH 1942
                                                          MAY 24TH 2010

HOPE FOR THE LITTLE ONES

Today I want to talk alittle about my stepson, What a amazing 12 year old boy he is. There are moments were I wish I could take all his pain away... The reason for my blog today is I never realized that children even knew what the meaning of suicide was or what it meant. In till the day we had to sit down and explain to my stepson, we thought it would be better to tell him the truth about his mother before he found out another way and hated us for not telling him.. And he knew what it was and what it meant.. He has had to deal with two of them first his grandfather and now his mother. So when the dreadful day came that he was so upset he shouted "I want to commit suicide to be with the only one whoever loved me" I was in complete shock a 12 yr old boy has this much hurt in him.
   
      That's why I wanted to talk about children who suffer from depression, and a little girl came to mind 15 yr old phoebe prince a girl who had her whole life ahead of her. She was being bullied at school and it hurt her, we never think that suicide would ever cross her mind, preteens fight in school all the time, then they make up as parents we support are children, we would never think that thought like that would cross there minds.. I have you ever been grounded when you were younger and said "I hate my life I wish I was dead" I had Said that plenty of times.. but never meant it..

  I guess little phoebe prince couldn't take it and thought it was never going to get better.. So on jan 14 while walking home from school girls teased her all the way home, she went home and went to her closet and hung herself, reports say her little sister was the one to find her.. A little life gone because of some hurtful words,I hurt for her family, and pray for them all the time.. So now I know to  listen to my stepson,pay a little more attention to his cry for helps,and understand him a little more.. and be so grateful that he is a strong little boy, sometimes he keeps me up when im down, and I love him for that..
 
  The whole meaning for setting up this blog is not to make everybody depressed, Its for me to vent on a problem I know first hand about and live in hurt everyday because of it. I keep hoping to this day its a bad dream and im going to wake up anytime.. and to help raise this awareness each day I will share some kind of story.. thanks for reading, crystal


RIP PHOEBE PRINCE MAY YOU LIVE IN HEAVEN AS THE LITTLE ANGEL YOU ONCE WERE

   
                                                    JAN 14,2010

The angel I use to know...

I want to start out  by saying a best friend can be anybody, somebody you'll never expect to walk in your life and change it forever.. well thats what happened to me she happened to be my husbands ex and my stepsons mother. We met 10 years ago and dont get me wrong we fought like cats and dogs, but at the end of the day we knew we had each other backs no matter what. She was an amazing person, strong independent, loving caring, and the mother of three small wonderful children who she loved deeply. We were one big family. But like alot of people she was dealing with alot of stress,bills,men,and a additcion to alcohol, and because of her anxstieyshe took pills. Which didnt make things better, none of this changed the person she was, she handled herself very well.. A few years back she came home to find her dad who was living with her at the time he had hung himself in the garage.. After that thing went down hill for her, and a few years later she did the samething leaving behind everything she worked so hard for in life, If you asked me ten years ago if I saw it coming??? I would of said no with out a doubt. Sometimes I blame myself I could of been more in her life asked questions let her know I loved her and she so important to me and my family.. now not only am copeing myself Im tring to help her 12 yr old son too.. and her other two babies she has left.. So to anybody who has those thoughts and trust me well all do at some point.. Just remember you are loved and people will miss you everyday that your gone, they will hurt they will cry, they will wonder.. nothing is worth your life!!!  there are so many people to talk to. my bestfreind is longer here to see her kids grow up, To see how much they look like her, there smile, kiss them hug them..I can longer talk to her when im sad, go out with her, spend the holidays with her,In my eyes she is my purple butterfly angel.. and she follows me in my heart and thoughts, dreams and prayers.. She is the angel I use to know!!